Agitated

Every stimuli feels overwhelming, a sensory overload as a result of anxiety. Every tiny fleck of dust touching my skin irritates me greatly. The fungus gnat that won’t get off my screen irritating my vision — the scratches on my glasses irritating my vision. The brightness of the screen is too bright, but dulling it is ineffective at reducing the strain in this moment.

I swallowed a fungus gnat while poking at my phone in bed. They liked the light. I can feel its contact point in the back of my throat, which suddenly feels scratchy. My sinuses drained yesterday, sometime after the pain became unbearable and I made saline, shoved it into a candy decorating bottle, and squirted it into my nose. An unpleasant feeling at best, and drainage was only attainable through one side as well. The fullness in my sinuses following this first, and terrible, attempt at irrigation only furthered my headache, but the loosening did work. Instead of enormous globules of impressively solid and impressively gross mucous, it was a slow, consistent trickle. My throat does not appreciate the traffic, but the sensation of a breeze throughout the sinuses is divine.

To the best of my ability, I wipe any particles of coco fiber, cork sawdust, and sand from my sheets, only to feel them still with every turn. The blanket I’ve used for a very long time has matted, and some of its fibers brush against my flesh in a way that I get agitated, and develop some sort of rash.

I reached for a blanket my wonderful mother picked up for me from a garage or estate sale. It’s been sitting in a paper bag for a while, but after I had difficulty sleeping last night I thought it would be a good change. The material is fairly lightweight, but woven tightly, and I realized quickly that although the smoothness of it would feel amazing, my hindered ability to breathe through it would likely exacerbate my anxiety. Medication may help, but for now I retain the older blanket.

If I cared much about the appearance of my bed, that blanket would have been long gone. One side of it has the design on it, and the other has shorter, unpleasant fibers. It has long existed ‘upside down’ on my bed. It has the Monster logo on it, the sort of thing the kind of people who make Monster a part of their identity would have. While, yes, I prefer their Ultra Zero line for my caffeine intake, it is not a lifestyle or identity. It just is the best of a myriad of bad options.

Plus, this will always make me laugh. Bottoms up, and the devil laughs. Hail Satan.

The heightened sense of anxiety was also furthered as I found eggs. I let a lady gecko who very much liked my guy (that I didn’t think anyone would be interested in) partake in activity, and they managed to just about make it work. While he did not fit, really, there was enough contact and momentum that the transfer of DNA was made. She laid fertile eggs. Pristine ones, in fact, I have never seen such good eggs. While she is remarkably healthy, the limitation as to exactly how healthy she can be exists due to her shape being wrong. She should not have been bred. Whether her condition is genetic or bad husbandry I cannot say for sure. I am taking a risk by incubating this first set, and I acknowledge that I may regret doing so later.

So I dreamt about unending gecko eggs, and babies hatching in a 24 hour time frame. It left me feeling uneasy, amidst broken sleep. I was on edge, and anxious. Working a bit more on another enclosure would alleviate that somewhat just due to the size of the enclosure. It weighs about 50lbs, which is fine by itself, but the dimensions make it a bit odd to have to muscle around. Due to my own size, I am incapable of lifting it with a squat, so there is undesired back bending involved. Very frustrating. Moving it lifted some of the dust, which I have tracked through the room, and then to my bed, bringing back the irritation to my skin.

Sounds seem to be the only acceptable sensation. A newer mix on MyNoise has been a go-to lately, and the white noise of my fan helps. I am still, however, very sensitive and sounds can easily become a problem. The critters are very active tonight, and I have gotten up a couple times to make sure all the doors were closed right. Sounds throughout the house and outside are also troublesome, although thankfully as the family has gone to bed, and it is now late, I should not have issues with either for some hours.

And then I am tremendously lonely. Longing creates a heartache, keeping me from partaking in some fantastical world to alleviate my mind from reality and help me sleep. Add in being bored of every story…

There are three gnats now. Well, two. The number may continue to dwindle if they keep hanging out.

There is nothing of substance here. I am simply bothered by existence. Perhaps I can sleep.